Acts of Service
Acts of Service
This week we are discussing the love language of "acts of service” - doing something for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, changing the baby’s diaper, and painting the bedroom are all acts of service.
If this is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing speaks as loudly as these acts of service. You may give him or her words of affirmation, but they are thinking, “Cut the talk. If you loved me, you would do something around here.” For them, actions truly speak louder than words.
Jesus' Example
Jesus gave a simple but profound illustration of expressing love by an act of service when He washed the feet of His disciples. In a culture where people wore sandals and walked on dirt streets, it was customary for the servant of the house to wash the feet of guests as they arrived. When we translate this into a marriage, it means that we will do acts of service to express love to our spouse. Why not choose one to express love to your spouse today?
Learn From Criticism
Your spouse’s critical remarks may be your best clue as to his or her primary love language. The next time your spouse criticizes you, look behind the criticism and see if you can discover their love language. They are trying to tell you what is important to them emotionally. Don’t fight the criticism. Seek to learn from it. Love effectively by learning your spouse’s primary love language and speaking it daily.
Removing Freedom
When I talk about acts of service as an expression of love, I am not talking about being a slave. When we treat our spouses as slaves, we remove the possibility of love because we remove their freedom. “If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me” is not the language of love. “You will do this, or you'll be sorry” is manipulation, not love. If acts of service are to be acts of love, they must be freely given. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
A Look at Stereotypes
Learning to speak this love language may require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husbands and wives. Is this difficult? Perhaps. That’s why I use the word love language. Learning a new language may be difficult and take time, but it can be done. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes may be necessary in order to express love more effectively.
Learn to Apologize Effectively
Learning to Apologize Effectively
Have you ever noticed that what one person considers to be an apology, is not what another person considers to be an apology? What is an apology?
It’s different things to different people. After three years of research, Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have concluded that there are five basic elements to an apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Each person has a primary apology language, and one of the five speaks more deeply to them emotionally than the other four. If you don’t speak their language, they may consider your apology insincere.
A Question of Sincerity
Ever had someone apologize to you and you questioned their sincerity? Ever ask yourself why? It’s probably because they did not speak your apology language. They said, “I’m sorry.” But what you wanted to hear was, “I was wrong.” They said, “Will you forgive me?” But what you wanted to hear was, “What can I do to make this right?”
Many of our apologies come across as insincere because we are not speaking the apology language of the offended person. If couples can learn each other's primary apology language and speak it when they offend each other, forgiveness will be much easier.
The Five Languages of Apology
Do you know the five languages of apology?
# 1 - Expressing Regret – “I’m sorry.” “I feel badly about what I did.”
# 2 - Accepting Responsibility – “I was wrong.” “It was my fault.”
# 3 - Making Restitution – “What can I do to make it right?”
# 4 - Genuinely Repenting – “I’ll try not to do that again.”
# 5 - Requesting Forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”
Speaking the Right One
When you apologize, you are trying to make things right. So you say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I know I hurt you and I feel badly about it. Will you forgive me?” But your spouse says, “How could you do that if you loved me? How can I forgive you when you never do anything to ‘make it right’?" You feel frustrated and don’t know what to do next. The problem is not your sincerity, the problem is that you are not speaking the right apology language.
Which Do You Want to Hear?
Which one of the five languages of apology do you want to hear? That is your primary apology language.
Apologize effectively by learning your spouse's apology language and speaking it when you know you have offended each other. Ask your spouse, “When I apologize, what do you want to hear from me?” You may be surprised at their answer, but it will give you their primary apology language. Learning to speak each other's apology language will lead you to a growing marriage.
The Power of Affirming Words
The Power of the Tongue
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Good for Mark Twain, but I don’t know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging Words
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
Focus on Your Spouse
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times.
"It's Not What You Said. It's How You Said It!"
If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words. Kindness has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment. An ancient sage once said, “a soft answer turns away anger."
