Why Do We Get Angry?
Why is anger so pervasive? I want to suggest that the answer lies in the reality that we are made in the image of God, and God experiences anger. God’s anger is based on His holiness and His love. His holiness means that He is righteous in all of His thoughts and deeds, and His love means that He cares about the well-being of His creatures. When His creatures violate what He knows to be right, God experiences anger. This motivates Him to take constructive action. I believe our experience of anger is very similar.
More Than an Emotion
Anger is more than just an emotion. It involves the emotions, the body, the mind, and the will, all of which are stimulated by some event in the individual’s life. All people have some sense of fairness or rightness. When they encounter what they consider to be wrong, they experience anger. Anger is an indication that we are moral creatures. God made us, and we reflect His concern for righteousness. Anger is a friend, not an enemy.
Simply Being Human
Your spouse does something that you consider to be unkind or unfair, and you feel angry. Why? Because you are made in God’s image and when God encounters injustice, He too feels angry. You have a concern for right and when you encounter injustice, you feel angry. The purpose is to motivate you to take constructive action. The problem is that we often take destructive action and make things worse.
Another problem is that often our anger is distorted. That is, it is not based on actual wrong doing by our spouse, but rather some petty inconvenience. She forgot to take your shirts to the laundry. He showed up 30 minutes late for your dinner reservation. You are angry, but your spouse has committed no immoral act. They have simply been human. Forgetting is human. Your anger is real and needs to be shared, but it does not call for repentance on the part of your spouse. It calls for understanding.
Thankful for Anger?
Anger is not evil; anger is not sinful; anger is not a part of our fallen nature; anger is not Satan at work in our lives. Quite the contrary. Anger is evidence that we are made in God’s image, and He experiences anger because He is holy and loving. We should thank God for our capacity to experience anger. Thank God for anger, and then learn how to process it in a godly way.
Giving Gifts to Show Love
Gifts are visual symbols of love. Most wedding ceremonies include the giving and receiving of rings. The person performing the ceremony says, “These rings are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond that unites your two hearts in love that has no end.” That is not meaningless rhetoric. It is a significant truth - symbols have emotional value.
Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than to others. That’s why when you give a gift to some people, they are greatly moved emotionally. It speaks more deeply than words, quality time, physical touch or acts of service.
Become a Giver
Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive, and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift will matter little. If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Gifts can be purchased, found, or made.
Ideas for Giving
If your spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, here are some ideas. Try a parade of gifts: leave a box of candy in the morning, have flowers delivered in the afternoon, and give her a book in the evening. When she asks, “What is going on?” you respond, “Just trying to fill your love tank.”
Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week. I promise you it will become “The Week that Was!”
Keep a “Gift Idea Notebook.” When you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” or “I would really like to have one of those,” write it down in your notebook. This will serve as a guide when you are ready to select a gift. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking about me. He loves me.” Giving gifts is a powerful expression of love.
Physical Touch
Speaking Love through Physical Touch
Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the “in-love” emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's “love language.” This week we will focus on physical touch.
For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.
How Can You Speak This Love Language?
Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.
"I'm Just Not Touchy-Feely"
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
Times of Crisis
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.
