Reacting to Conflict
What's the first thing you do when you have conflict? How do you react when your mate hurts you? This is where marital problems start...like in tennis, rallying over the net back and forth when they get hurt. Listen, when you're hurt there's something in you in the image of GOD, like a tuning fork, and it goes off and whenever you reciprocate in anger you initially don't feel wrong. You feel right. You feel holy. You feel just. You feel nigh unto deity. You feel that you have weighed out the good/evil problem in the cosmos and you have subdued it. But the fact is you have taken a prerogative that is not yours. It's God's.
- adapted from TN's post
Bro Say Kin & Sis Shi Min Wedding, 30th Nov 2006
Congratulation & God Bless
Bro Say Kin
&
Sis Shi Min
LORD JESUS, grant that my spouse and I may have a true and understanding love for each other. Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust. Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony.
MAY we always bear with one another’s weaknesses and grow from each other’s strengths. Help us to forgive one another’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness and the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of self.
MAY the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year. Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other. Let our love grow to perfection.
Amen.
In the morning ........
Hug and Kisses is all you need .............one of the secret of loving in your marriage.
I am very angry ! but how long can i be angry with her?
Eph 4:26 :"
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,", this verse came to my rescue, lest i would not be able to come to the Lord's table.
i was very mad and angry with my wife over certain issues last night. If things were to go wrong, i may even lose 1 if not 2 of my sons. sorry, due to certain sensitive issue, i cannot share further.
So how to esteem her after i read this week topic with regards to "esteem my wife"?
But after much thought, i have to confess, perhaps i should have more faith in her to take care of my children, cause it is not my children, but "our" children, pehaps i do not have enough faith in my Good Lord taking care of my children.
Lord, i put my trust in YOU. Teach me how to trust my wife and give me a heart of forgiveness to forgive my wife. Pray that i may able to throw my anger away before the sun go down. And together, to run the Heavenly Race.
God bless all married saints.
Godly Success in Marriage - Part 6
Action 2: Esteem Your Spouse
We show our spouses that we value them. Esteem is how we communicate to people their distinctive worth, how wonderful they are. The woman in the Song of Solomon said, “I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valleys” (Song of Sol. 2:1). The lily and the rose are flowers of singular beauty. That’s how her betrothed treated her. She said to him, “My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts” (Song of Sol. 1:13).
To her, he was like perfume that she would wear around her neck, his memory close to her heart all night. That’s the way we need to treat each other in marriage.
Charles Spurgeon, the great preacher of London, referred to his wife as “Sweety.” She referred to him as “Tirshatha,” which is a Hebrew word in the book of Nehemiah for “governor”. (I said to my wife, “I like that: ‘governor’ has a nice ring to it”.) Treat your spouse biblically, like you treat your own body.
Men should nourish and cherish their wives, like Christ treats His church. Treat her like a king would treat his crown. When I see a man disrespect his wife, I don’t care how smart or how successful he is, he has fallen way down in my sight. If a man makes minimum wage and treats his wife with dignity, he has integrity and is worthy of respect.
The same thing is true for woman. I feel embarrassed when I hear a woman deride her husband in public. It’s embarrassing, degrading and inappropriate. There is nothing a man wants more from his wife than respect. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”
(Eph 5:22,25).
Sometimes when men read this, they think of Christ’s torture, execution, and death. They get ready to die in some terrible way for their wives. The reality is that there probably won’t be a time in most men’s lives when somebody says, “It’s you or your wife.” Rather than being so chivalrous on your dying day, how about being kind and considerate every day? Instead of dying for your wife, why don’t you die to yourself and be kind and tender to your wife? Die for her one hour at a time.
Learn to Listern....
Whenever a woman comes and says, "I'm trying to talk to my husband. He won't listen." That's the most terrified that a woman gets.
She doesn't need a perfect man but she needs a guy that's perfectible. And fellas if you're one of these guys that's never wrong, and you're never going to listen, and you think it's going to assert male pride by dominating this woman and that's the head of your house to do it, you can forget that!
Men that go to crosses to die for those they love, that's the way you love your wife and you turn and you listen to her. And when she says, "I've got a problem," you get out your pen and say "Yes" and you write it down and you take good notes. And ladies the same way, when he's hurt then you listen.
- T Nelson
I'm Sorry, dear.
I'M SORRY “I'm sorry.” For some reason this seems especially hard for guys, simple YET ......................... And even if you do, we don't say them nearly as often as we should.
Good manners demand that you say, “I'm sorry” whenever it is needed. Unfortunately, many couples don't recognize when it is needed.
These two words are not a cure-all for bad manners, but they certainly don't hurt.
Being polite is simply an effort to be kind, show respect, and treat others in the way they most desire to be treated. Wales sums it up this way: “Where there is love, there are manners.” And let me add this: Where there are good manners, there is the potential for a great marriage.
1Co 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
The LOVE Verses
http://www.interviewwithgod.com/lovemovie/index.htm
Godly Success in Marriage – Part 5
For the past month, we have looked at four foundational beliefs on which a godly marriage rests on. The fear of God, an understanding of roles, following through on responsibilities, and an undying commitment – are these present in your marriage? If not, pray and ask God to change your heart and mind.
On top of the foundation of these four beliefs, biblical success in marriage comes through seven actions. We shall go though them over the next few weeks.
Action 1: Courtesy
Courtesy draws out a response of kindness. When you are courteous, a great marriage will follow. When you are discourteous, I don’t care how wonderful you try to be, every other thing you do in marriage will be seen as hypocrisy. Do you know that?
One woman said to me, “At this point I don’t really care if my husband is romantic. I just want him to be civil.” Be careful to be courteous in how you speak to your mate, how you listen to them, how you refer to them, or how you touch them. If you’re discourteous, a love note will be viewed with contempt and passionate sexuality will come across as manipulation. If you are discourteous, bringing home money to take care of your wife is seen as superficial atonement.
Courtesy means that you treat them in a courtly way. Men treat woman gently – as a vessel made of china, porcelain, or crystal.
Have you ever gone out in public with a couple who is discourteous in how they speak to each other? It’s embarrassing, isn’t it? Have you ever been out with a couple who is very kind in how they speak and listen and touch and refer? It is so edifying and uplifting.
If you are not careful, you can begin to take each other for granted and start going through the emotions. We forget to soften our words and actions with kindness. We can just get into habits of discourtesy.
I am so glad that Teresa and I began early on with a godly intolerance of discourtesy. So whenever I am harsh with her, she has a way of letting me know. She’ll say, with her voice pitched just the right way, “Was that rude?” Pause. “I think it was.” That’s when I know I better step back and get my heart right and show her some courtesy.
And then there are times that I will say to her, “Teresa, what did you just say? Was that critical? It sounded critical.”
“Oh, no. It wasn’t critical.”
“OK, that’s good, ‘cause I thought it was critical.”
And so we have a way of keeping each other smooth. It’s sort of like trimming your big toenails so you won’t stab your mate. There needs to be a holy discontent with discourtesy in your union.
If I introduced you to a famous person, like George W. Bush, what would you do? You’d offer him your hand and look him in the eyes and treat him as a dignitary. Yet within about fifteen seconds, he’ll forget your name – just like you would forget his if the roles were reversed. So why would we treat him with such courtesy, and yet treat our spouse with discourtesy? She’s the woman who has gone through labour for us. He’s the man who goes out in the pit every day for us. Practice the discipline of courtesy.
Verses for meditation
Finally, all of you,
live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be
compassionate and humble. (1 Peter 3:8)
But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22,23)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is
not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)
A father can do for his children .
The greatest thing that a father can give to his children is to love his wife. Loving your wife teaches your son how to relate to his future wife. It shows your daughter what to expect from a godly husband.
Eph 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Preventing Marriage Meltdown
Preventing Marriage Meltdown
The pained voice on my hand phone told the story. He desperately wanted his marriage to work, but now, only one option seemed feasible: Move out. Caught in deadlocked communication, hurtful finger pointing and a rapid marriage meltdown, this last ditch tactic was the only solution. He had to escape. This relationship was hanging by a thread.
One year ago this couple made promises on an altar. In front of their friends, family and God, they promised never to give up. They were in love; I knew it. I could see it in their eyes - the romantic attraction, the commitment. They knew up front that marriage is hard. They knew that a joyful wedding celebration and a fiery honeymoon weren't necessarily predictors of marital success. They expected challenges.
That phone call indicated they probably were facing the greatest challenge of their new life together so far - marriage meltdown!
How did this happen? What caused the downward spiral?
Even the best-prepared pre-married couples are ill- equipped for shaky finances, dual careers, old baggage and unmet expectations. Even under "normal" conditions, the best relationships are in for big challenges. And just add a few stepchildren and ex-spouses and things get really interesting!
None of us expect perfection; things go wrong, stuff happens. Marriage is an education. There are adjustments to be navigated, lessons to be learned and sacrifices to be made. That's marriage. That's normal.
But what do you do when the medical report is not good? When the portfolio collapses? When the spouse walks out? What happens when you miss the red flags and everything disintegrates? What do you do next?
When things go terribly wrong, panic sets in. You lose objectivity, communication ceases; the situation deteriorates - fast. When life caves in, you find yourself on autopilot, struggling to stay focused, incapable of making critical marriage-saving decisions.
Knowing that every marriage is destined for intermittent crisis events, doesn't it make sense to have a plan? Doesn't it seem sensible to develop a tactical checklist you can rely on when things go bad?
Let's do some risk management.
If you had to prepare a mitigation plan for that inevitable break down, what would be your top four, bottom line, action items? Imagine yourself deep in a marriage-threatening situation: Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you talk to? What steps would you take to save your marriage?
Here's my top four list.
Don't do it alone
From a spiritual growth standpoint, join a small group or home meeting. We had an immediate affinity with our church group, meeting regularly for learning, community and worship - we "did life together".
As new Christians, our spiritual lives soared, but there was an important side benefit: We developed close relationships. When our marriage got rough, we had friends to call. Through unemployment, surgery, and financial crisis, even death - our group was there for us.
Who will you call? Don't do it alone. Begin now - nurture some meaningful relationships.
Seek assistance
Pls do not feel embarrassed to ask for help. Do not think that fellowship/ counseling as a weakness, in fact, through the experience, it help and you will becomes stronger and more resilient.
Soften your heart
Relationships are most vulnerable when disagreements escalate to the point of deadlock. If you let them, circumstances will quickly spiral to standoff stage - past disagreement, beyond raised voices to a point where communication stops and the only option seen through the helplessness and hurt is to walk out.
Before you give up, pause and look at yourself.
- Do you need to ask forgiveness?
- What are you angry about?
- Do you need to forgive?
- Is a headstrong attitude stonewalling your marriage?
- How might you compromise?
- Find middle ground.
- Why did you get married in the first place? Remember?
Someone needs to give in. Someone needs to soften his or her heart and take a first step toward healing. Relinquish your need to "be right." Stop the finger- pointing, quit the blaming. Humble yourself and submit to the possibility that you contributed to the breakdown. Turn your focus from anger, to negotiation and next steps.
What's more important, your pride or your marriage?
Engage spiritually
The catalyst for a loving, thriving marriage comes from God (1Jo 4:8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love). It's easy to disconnect from God - missing church services, skipping prayer and avoiding close friends - when you're deep in relational disorder. Yet, this is the time you most need to be spiritually connected. It might be time for you to turn toward God...
Without God, our tendency is to drift into self-sufficiency; we try to fix bad situations on our own. When we operate independently of God, we're simply surviving, finding temporary fixes. To engage in marriage-saving activities like the ones mentioned above, you need God.
Begin with prayer. Prayer is simply talking to God. Find a quiet place alone and tell Him what's on your mind. Prayer isn't about being eloquent or using religious sounding words - remember, this is a conversation. Ask God to show you what you need to change about yourself. And then ask Him to help you do that.
Praying with your spouse can be awkward even in great marriages, but if you can take that risk, it will pay dividends. Suggest prayer to your partner. Begin by simply sitting together, holding hands and closing your eyes; you (husband) take the lead. Come prepared with notes if you need to. Keep it simple.
Has your church attendance been sporadic? Suggest to your spouse that you combine a church service with a breakfast or dinner. Make it a date. In small steps begin to reestablish your church presence. Make it a weekly priority to get in the car, drive to the meeting hall and walk in the door. Your hearts will soften and you'll begin hearing God.
You may feel especially distanced from God during this time. Reach out to Him. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. That may be the critical missing link that is so essential to you and your marriage.
We talked for an hour that day my friend called my hand phone. I thanked God and sighed a breath of relief as he wisely decided to give his marriage another chance.
It is possible to reclaim your relationship. But you need to prepare in advance and be ready to deploy any or all of these steps before your marriage shuts down. These suggestions will not come naturally - they are not intuitive - especially during troubled times. The foundation you build now could make the difference between healing and heartbreak.
"SALUTE" - Connect With Body Language
Connect With Body Language
Actions speak louder than words. The way you position your body tells others how available you are to interact and how interested you are in what they have to say. If you want to signal others that you are relaxed, comfortable, open, and interested in them, then "SALUTE" them with your body language. To salute is "to address with expressions of kind wishes."
SMILE: Smiling is the most important way you can signal your openness. If you fail to smile, people will think you are uninterested in them or that you are cold and aloof. Wearing a warm smile is like hanging out a welcome sign. It invites people to relate to you.
AFFIRM: In conversation, we signal our understanding and encouragement non-verbally through nodding and affirmative vocal sounds. If you don't affirm the speaker in this way, she will probably assume that you disagree with her or are disinterested in what she has to say.
LEAN TOWARD: Leaning towards someone indicates your desire to engage with him or her. But only lean slightly. Leaning too far can indicate aggression.
UNLOCK POSTURE: Crossing your arms, closing your hands, holding your arm across your chest, clasping your hands together, or crossing your legs away from the other person are closed positions. They signal that you are defensive, guarded or closed to interacting. Unlock your posture to communicate openness.
TOUCH: Touching expresses caring. If you want to show someone warmth, put your left hand on top of her right hand while shaking hands, touch her arm, pat her back, or give her a hug. The physical contact signals that you are open to emotional contact.
EYE CONTACT: The eyes are the most expressive part of the human body. Making eye contact is a prerequisite for successful social interaction. Eye contact is a powerful sign of respect and attention. It communicates, "Right now, I am more interested in you than anything else!" If you avoid looking at someone, he or she will think you are anxious, dishonest, or disinterested. While conversing, make eye contact for between one and ten seconds at a time, more while listening than while talking.
Godly Success in Marriage - Part 4
Belief 4 : Stay committed to your marriage no matter whatEven though you struggle, even though you quarrel, and even though at times you make each other cry, there has to be an underlying and undying commitment to one another. Divorce can never be mentioned in your home. Don’t use it as a threat against your spouse. You will cause tremendous structural damage to your marriage and to your kids if you let that word be batted about.
I remember my mother and father having an argument one time. I went to my mother and talked about it with her. She leaned close to me and said, “Your father and I might have arguments but you never have to worry about us being together. We’re here for the duration.” I still remember that to this day. My house was solid.
If you have ever used the word divorce as a threat, veiled or otherwise, stop reading right now and go beg your spouse’s forgiveness. You have to see it through. Divorce is not an option.
Commitment does not mean that you have to suck it up and be miserable until you die – that’s not biblical commitment. Commitment says, “I’m going to flex and change. I’ll apologise till Christ comes but I will make sure this home stays peaceful.” That’s commitment!
Verses for meditation:
"Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said:
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore
a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. "(Genesis 2: 19-24).
“And he (Jesus) answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matthew 19:4-6).
Prayer with your wife after marriage
Do you, husband pray with your wife daily? Before married, u prayed lots and lots of times with her, right? but after married, why didn't you continue to pray
daily with your wife?
Dear bros, if you fall under this category, would appreciate if you can share with us why you cannot overcome this matter which is very important in the married life. Or if you are belongs to the normal category, which means that you prayed with your wife daily, pls, you can also welcome to contribute your points.............
The reason for doing this is because, i myself, also fall into the category of not praying with my wife daily, and i do fellowshipped with some other saints who also fall under this category. we
Only come together to pray if there is a serious or critical problems. Otherwise, no corporate prayer with my wife.
Personal time, personal prayer to the Lord, i have no problem. But corporate times with my wife, hmmmmm...... problem.
Why husband should take up to gather your wife to pray? because we are the head of our wife, and we should take up the roles of bringing our wife to pray together with us
daily.
Of course, not forgetting the sister, appreciate if you can also shared with us how you managed to ask your husband to pray together with you. Either you can put it under the comment column or you can also email to feargodlky@gmail.com
Godly Success in Marriage - Part 3
Belief 3: Follow through on your responsibilities
There must be order in the home. Somebody has to have the weight on them for going out and performing a task, making the money, bringing it in to buy the food and the clothes and the goods to take care of things. God has said whose responsibility it is. Adam, you work by sweat of your brow. Ladies, if you have a particular job that you want to do and you can juggle the home and the office, go right ahead, provided that you don’t get too beat up by the extra workload. But the responsibility to provide is not the wife’s. If she wants to help out in a tough situation, then that’s her prerogative. But the responsibility of the food on that table is the husband’s. That may sound old-fashioned, but that’s OK because the Bible was written a long time ago.
Someone also has to have the responsibility for organizing and taking care of the home. In the Greek of the New Testament, the wife is called the oikodespotes, the “house despot” or ruler of the house. Women have the special privilege of bearing children and managing the home. Gentlemen, you still need to clean up after yourselves. It’s a wonderful thing that I highly recommend. I try not to be overly proud of this, but I happen to be one of the greatest dish loaders in history. I can vacuum. I can make a bed. I do whatever I can to help my wife. However, we both understand the final responsibility for managing the home rests with her.
I came in yesterday from a trip and discovered she had taken my office and completely rearranged it, making it the most lovely-looking office. When I was there, it was a sty. She moved some furniture and did wonders….
Verses for Meditation:
Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth…” And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Gen 1:26-27)
“Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” (Gen 2:15)
“And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Gen 2:18)
“Be strong…and show yourself a man…Keep the charge of the LORD your God”
(1 Kings 2:2-3)
Question for discussion:
What happens in a marriage when spouses forget their roles or responsibilities? Has this ever happened to you? What did you learn?
Cherish him!
It’s time to take a closer look at how to cultivate the wively affection. And who better to ask what makes a husband feel cherished than husbands?
Chapter two in Feminine Appeal contains responses from different men about how their wives show them this tender love. I have included some of them here to get you thinking…
“If I’m sick in bed, my wife prepares tea and meals for me without my asking and waits on me hand and foot. It’s as though her world stops so she can take care of me.”
“Each time Karin catches my eye in public with a smile and subtle wink, or greets me with a warm embrace upon my arrival home from work, or hangs on my arm when we go out on a date, the message comes through loud and clear: ‘I enjoy being with you and want you to know that I love you.’”
“With just a handful of exceptions, Lisa has written me a note in my lunch every single workday for over ten years.”
“My wife shows me affection through a constant stream of small surprises--showing up at work with my favorite Starbucks drink, making her famous brownies on no special occasion, arranging to borrow a friend’s convertible sports car for our anniversary. Not all have been extremely costly, but all have been very meaningful.”
“I am cherished by my wife through her fervent and faithful intercessory prayer for me. Her conviction is that no one can care for me like my heavenly Father.”
And here’s one more fun idea.
So, you have no more excuses, sisters! There are plenty of ideas here for showing affection to your husband. Let’s get started today!
